[Original creation date: 13 September 2008]
there’s no rush. everything’s going to be all right.
typing is confusinhg me . this is difficulyt to do. i can barely think about anything. i am basically in three but i am forcing my body to stay in two by thinking or at least trying to think. three is surrender, and four is total surrender. and that’s why i try to stay in two. then the problem is that i get real cold and feel that weird physical sensation and think ugh and i just wanna sleep and im like no im not going to sleep… hello. weekend? but im like bleh just let me bleh for a while okay. i need this. and then more shit. more shit. i need you. i just need you. but how can you look in my eye and say you don’t see what’s happening inside. don’t you ever think like that. i need you. i need you, baby.
modern society is wack. Alicia keys is my idol.
how could you doubt the fact that i love you? because you saw me and you know what i said. and how can you believe that i would ever let you go like that?
are you trying to fuck me? then why do you hang around me so much? how can you look me in the eye and say . . .
i could keep talking to you forever. but i need to talk to someone else once in a while too. my bleh time is just like anyone else’s bleh time, everyone needs their bleh time. bleh time is healthy. you know why i don’t take the initiative with you, and you should be okay with that, because you are impossible to get, because you’re with . . . yeah. but you know what, i need you. and now you know you have that choice. i can’t believe you would read this letter and . . . anyway. what i’m trying to say is your choice makes you free and this is something you have to live with, that you will never be able to look back and say, should i have just stayed the way i am, or should i have really thought about it first? there’s so many things i know i should have done, or at least done differently. i wish i could fix it but that’s the way things are.
you know what i’m trying to say. hey, you got your perspective and i respect that. this is just the way i am. i just need to be alone sometimes, too. i would want only the best for both of us and it’s best for us to be apart sometimes. that way we stay out of each other’s way a little bit when things get less than awesome, because it will happen. it’s healthy for it to happen. the relationship has to grow, it has to evolve, it can’t stay in one place. if it stays in one place it will change anyway. the evolution has to be directed.
the more impossible you are, the more i like you. isn’t that strange? i love it when my women are impossible because otherwise the pain of disconnection would be too painful to bear. unbearable to bear, so to speak, … ha ahahhaha\\
when i think of you i think of sunrises and flying birds and the blue sky and the wonder of it all, and about the stars beyond, and all their charm. you charmed the shit out of me that night. i can’t believe i fell for you so quickly. it’s happened before, but never quite this way. i just wish i remembered better the things we said that day. that day is the reason i stopped drinking . . . i know it sounds whatever but i think i’m saying that you make me want to be a better person and i love that. you make me want to look good for work and you make me want to stay healthy and emancipated from mental slavery as bob Marley would say. how long shall they kill our prophets while we stand aside and look? won’t you help to sing another song of freedom? because it’s all i’ve ever had, redemption songs. sing along with me, baby.
emancipate yourself from mental slavery.
you better love me. i know. but you better, because i sure as hell do.
.
laura. fuck.
i’m so weird.
it’s like i just developed a superpower. i only slept 4 hours last night but i felt fine at work. how the fuck did i do that? i have a superpower. i am the ubermensch. i have arrived. this is the most powerful realization a human can have.
nothing only matters when you have nothing to lose, are a nobody, have no way out. otherwise, everything matters. every last fuckin piece of hydrogen, and stupidity, matters.
fuck hoops.
when i start feeling like someone will read you, i start suppressing certain things. why is that? i trust you more than anyone. i know you would never tell anything embarrassing because that’s not who you are. but i still try to avoid certain subjects, even when all the time being honest.
this is the only way i can interface with the humans.
writing. speech is not so good, i’m not that eloquent. i forget names of things and say too many generalities because i can’t think fast enough about topics when i’m thinking about sociolingustics and socioanthropologic issues. survival: the game. that’s what i’m usually thinking about. and always trying to rise above from, and yet, there it is, everytime i walk out the door. the game of survival. who can you fuck this time? who can you get to give you money? how can you trick the world into being a playground and not a famine? what a fucking mind game. it’s all just an illusion, and waking up is scary because you realize how those things shouldn’t matter and that the reason they do is that we all depend on each other so much for survival now, one little glitch in the system could cause a crash more severe than any other ever experienced in the world. the end of the world already happened several times, first as tragedy, second as farce, but life has gone on and everyone is ultimately just waiting for their own personal armaggedon in a state of constant fear, unconscious fear of death. the will to live, so to speak. the drive to life. the drive to do as much as you can with what you’ve got and see if you can trick everyone else into buying what you’re selling instead of the other way around. you have to export yourself, advertise yourself, figure out what others want and then turn into that, and that’s how you’re ‘successful’ in the world. literally!
death is a funny thing because its finality makes it seem like ‘nothing matters’, nihilism, etc. but life happened for a reason, and though we may still be searching for that reason, we must see where time takes us, and eventually someone will figure it out. i’m optimistic about that aspect of humanity. nothing will ever stop us from reaching for the stars. we will conquer half this fucking galaxy if i have anything to say about it (and then buy the other half from the owners and make them do all the work. lol.)
i want to invent a new language.
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